Stories by Clyde

Hello everyone and welcome to the actual good section of this shit website. As you can tell from the picture above...I....AM....AWESOME!!!! Because I now have access to the internet and am able to share my story I would like to thank you for reading my posts and let you know I plan on sharing.... a lot. Some stories will be brief some may be long but hopefully they are all entertaining. That being said that photo....yeah the one at the top of my section of this site...was taken by the guy who sprung me from jail. He's totally taking a shit and I'm about two seconds from destroying that roll of toilet paper in front of him.

I know you are all wondering how I ended up in my current living situation and well that's kinda crazy. Not crazy like I fell out of an airplane or thwarted an evil villain but crazy like....are you stupid?!?!?

So I find this nice looking lady, mind you I've been on the streets for a while now and any human contact is cool, but hey I'm an apex predator I'm built for this. So she invites me in treats me like I'm supposed to be treated. You know... like the royalty I am and things are great! We play games, she feeds me, and life is pretty good. She would put on this night gown and it was flowing and it had feathers and I'm like.... damn I'm gonna attack the shit out of that thing. So next this angel brings a tree into the house. Like how can this get any better? I'm climbing this tree and chasing this crazy outfit and just running wild in this shoebox of an apartment. Not knocking the place but its a little small for all this running around right but I figure that's why she got the tree to create a vertical play space. Then things turn south. She doesn't pay me a lot of attention anymore. So since you know my English speaking skills aren't that great and this genius doesn't understand what I'm saying I gotta get her attention so I figure... hmm that thing she's always looking at has something sticking out of it I'll just fuck with that. You would think I shot the pope or something.

Now things are getting weirder because like she's not cool with me climbing this tree anymore. Look I'm not the asshat that decided to put breakable glass balls all over this thing. As I see it it was a challenge lets see how many I can break. So I knocked the whole tree over. That thing went down hard and I got a lot of those balls but I was definitely disappointed I missed most of them. So this lady who I thought was an angel just goes into this fit screaming crying saying something about I ruined Christmas, and I'm sitting there like.. The fuck is Christmas? and why are you mad I shit on that box. You literally bought me a box to shit in. What's the difference what box I use its a fucking box!!

Anyway fast forward a couple days the "Angel of Gloom" goes running through the house wearing that nightgown ( finally found out what the flowy thing was. side note who the fuck still wears nightgowns? ) and I go hard after that thing. I jumped off the wall and caught air grabbed some feathers in my mouth and held on like a bull rider in a rodeo. Man I got that thing good. So like in all great battles there can be a little bloodshed and there was. Old sissy pants couldn't handle a little scratch on her arm so what does she do. The bitch turns me in. Straight to the authorities. No lube just fucks me. Sends me up the river and now I'm stuck in this place with peasants and mediocre food. Now I gotta share this small ass kennel and I'm talking small. Bro I need space to move and stretch. I'm trying to be free you know but I don't want a cell mate I need my own place.

Lucky for me its a short stay. This guy comes in we hang one day and the next day he comes back and puts a carrier in my kennel. Now I know I'm outta here because that's the first time they've done this so I'm pretty sure I'm free. So now I'm in this new place way bigger and less hassle. down side this dude doesn't do shit when he is here. Oh sure he feeds me and cleans up my dookie but he's lazy. Either playing video games or being noisy in the basement. Pepper in some aggressive masturbation and you get his ideal day. If I walk into his room one more time while he's doing that I'm gonna clip him walking down the stairs. SHUT YOUR FUCKING DOOR DUDE!!!

So basically I got turned in for being a fucking cat and now I'm stuck living with a chronic masturbator.

Place ain't too bad and the foods good so I can't complain. Catch up with me later see what else I got.

Love Peace & Chicken grease,

Clyde

I'm a doctor I know what I'm doing here.

Yeah, that's what they say right before they put that thermometer where you don't want it. I'm sure we can all agree they call it practicing medicine for a reason right? You cant possible know everything there is to know about the anatomy of a living being right out of medical school. It's impossible, but that's part of the process for sure so I'll give you that. Now I just want to be clear. I appreciate the help. I know the....well I'm gonna call him my roommate but he clearly thinks he is like my dad or something. So my... no he's definitely my butler. So bitch boy has to take me to the doctor for check ups. I am obviously ok with that since I don't want the feline aids or any funky parasites so I agree to go. This past time I went I did not want to go. It was 6:30 am and I am not fully awake and I'm hungry. I knew I was going because this idiot thinks I'm stupid and am gonna get comfortable with the carrier (as he calls it I call it a death box) just hanging out in the dining room two days before we go. He has a routine. I'm not dumb I pick up on things. Anyway I digress. So I play nice after he gets me some treats. You know a little happy snack right before you shove me in the death box deal. So they are nice... but at a cost. Like when someone you haven't seen for a while pops up and says " WOW!! You look great. You lost some weight. Basically saying you were a fat P.O.S. up until now. So it stings but you still feel ok with the compliment.

We get to the doctors office and he does the whole talk to the ladies behind the counter routine. It's sad watching this guy pretend he's not a tool handing his "buddy" over to these rookies but whatever. Today was a very different day than any other trip I've had going here. Besides the getting up at first light. Today there are like 20 plus other victims inside the waiting area of this sanctioned chop shop. So this seemed odd usually it's like two maybe three others in the waiting room and today... FULL!!! You would think it was a meet and greet for a celebrity and since my agent didn't contact me in regards to an event I knew it couldn't be. Finally I'm processed in and to be honest it was kinda cool. They let me hang out in a "play area" and then they took me into a spa room. Spa room was was awesome they are all petting me making me feel loved and then they start this machine and they are massaging my chest. Now I love this. This is my jam and peanut butter double stuffed topped with whipped cream. I can do this all day. They end up finishing this aspect of the spa treatment then put me back in the play area.

You see that photo above???? Well that's what they were doing. They shaved my chest in the worst possible way. You are looking at my nipple. MY.....F'N....NIPPLE!!!! Yeah so when I see this I am livid. Absolutely rip shit mad at this atrocity they did to my coat. Do you have any idea how long that's gonna take to grow back? I look like a spring break hoochie with her boobies hanging out trying to win a T-shirt. Total disrespect to my royal lineage. I'm flabbergasted, I'm angry, and bet your ass I'm getting payback.

So I'm hanging out in the now revenge area (no longer playtime here ) and I'm plotting. I gotta let these people know you can't be treating me like this so unless I'm going home.....someone is getting cut.

They finally come back to get me and only thing I can do is back up to a wall so no one can sneak up on me. The only thing they are gonna hear from this point on is HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!! To my surprise these crazy people are not sacred in the least. Lady comes right over picks me up and tries to bring me to some yahoo with a funny sounding wand and I have no intention of finding out where they wanna put that. I am resistant as I can be grabbing full claws out and trying to get away but these jerks cut my thumb nails. How am I supposed to hold on and murder without my thumb nails?!?! I've been fully violated at this point but they finally get the message and put me in my death box. Now I know I talk like I hate this thing but like I said before I'm not dumb I pick up on things. If I'm in here I'm going home.

Now I hear them on the phone and I have good hearing so I can tell they are talking to my tool box of a butler about me. This guy called me spicy. He said I was spicy who says that??? Anyway regardless I know I'm outta here so call me what you want I know I cut you good. Now when I see the heathen who brought me here in the first place He's gonna get the wrath too.

Thanks for reading and if you wanna help a brother out than help fund my escape. On the home page are some links to generate revenue for my plans.

As Always

Love peace & chicken grease

Clyde